38-days and counting......

Seriously, Tiger?!? Seriously?!? Elin knocks you upside the head with a 9-iron (allegedly) at Thanksgiving, and you pick the Lenten season to air a press conference on your indiscretions?!? Two days after I’ve given up gossiping for Lent?!? Seriously?!?

It’s not that this is particularly a huge problem for me (“, said the alcoholic, gambler and crack-whore.) It’s just that, lately, I seem to be venting more often on the shortcomings of fellow man, woman and child. That’s right – not even those under the age of 18 are exempt from my discerning eye. What? You have a problem with that last part? Two words: Miley Cyrus. But I digress, this isn’t about Miley…..

I was chatting on the phone with a neighbor this morning, when all of the sudden, she spewed something about the Tiger Woods press conference starting and we hung up simultaneously. I hadn’t planned on tuning in, but her urgency piqued my interest. I turned up my own flat-screen to hear what Mr. Woods had to say. Might as well have been an off-screen adult speaking on a Peanuts special (“Wha-wha, wha-wha, wha”). It wasn’t what he said or didn’t say that I find worth discussing (/gossiping). It was something someone else “said” at the end of his announcement. It wasn’t audible, but I read her lips.

And that’s where I have to stop. Who’s “her?” What did she “say?” Ugh. How I wish I could comment. That discerning eye of mine caught something that definitely wasn’t meant to be noticed. And it sure would make for an interesting discussion. But I can’t. I believe it would fall under the category of celebrity gossip. The social-network media abounds with Tiger posts, and alas, I remain gagged. I thought to myself, is this the kind of thing that can withstand a 38-day moratorium? The short answer: no. It will not be relevant, intriguing, or even worth repeating. And that’s when it hit me.

What if every less-than-positive comment you had about a person (famous, familiar, or family) had to be kept in a box for 38-days before being shared? Would anyone care what was in the box after the month + week + day-ish? Probably not. Again, it would scarcely be relevant, intriguing, or even worth repeating. A gossipmonger lives to break the news. 38-days in, it ain’t news. It’s kitty litter liner. Or, it’s forgotten in lieu of something much juicier that happened just 5 days ago. But – now that info’s locked in the box. See where I’m going with this? Maybe if we weren’t so wrapped up in “discussing” and “solving” other people’s problems, we’d have more time to focus on our own. Maybe instead of judging others’ trials and tribulations, we could take the time to encourage them through it. Maybe a moratorium on gossiping would make the world a better place. Maybe toilet seats would always be in the "down" position. Maybe my kids would never fight. Maybe Jay Leno would be funny. Maybe unicorns would exist.

Maybe I should have given up chocolate for Lent.

Does this Blog Make My Butt Look Big?

Tah-dah! Here it is. What literally NO ONE has been waiting for…..my first blog. I’ve been threatening to start a blog for months (years), but never had the time. Scratch that. Inspiration? Hmmm. Guts. Nailed it. Hence, the title. * I mean, why put yourself out there in cyberspace for all the sarcastic nothing-better-to-do’s to comment on – questioning your intelligence and emphatically assuring you that nobody cares what you think? Let’s face it. Blogging is a bit narcissistic. I mean, unless you’re an expert in some field of interest, or you’re personally experiencing a life-altering situation which has given you an epiphanical slant – who DOES care what you have to say, other than you? The Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus once said, “If you wish to be a writer, than write.” I doubt the 1st century philosopher could have imagined the number of people who would fancy themselves writers and publish their “works” on the world wide web. However, I wish to be a writer. The truth is, I’ve longed to quip and quote since the early days of Erma Bombeck. Never would I compare myself to the divine domestic diva, but in her spirit, I’m inspired. Is that redundant? Never mind. Doesn’t matter. If this blog makes my butt look big, so be it. I wished for something, and made it come true. (What was that?!? I believe Erma and Epictetus just rolled over in their graves)

* “Does this Blog Make my Butt Look Big” was meant to be the title of my new blog, not just the first entry. But apparently, I’m not as original as I had thought. Blogging Lesson One: Someone else has already thought it, perfected it, and published it. Adjust. Adapt. Move on.